The last couple of weeks we have been talking about how to deal with stress that seems intrinsic at the end of the year. This week I’d like to talk about what you need to do when conflicts seem to get out of hand. Of course the best option that you have for dealing with divorced family conflicts is to prevent them before they happen. However, conflicts are going to develop even between the most functional of divorced families.
You may think that all of your fights with your ex-spouse are going to end once your divorce is finalized, however, this is just wishful thinking. If you have kids together you will be interacting with your former spouse for many years to come. Conflicts are naturally going to transpire between you and your parenting partner, however, they don’t have to get out of hand. Setting up boundaries for your relationship will help minimize conflicts. However, if things get out of hand and your rules don’t seem to help you communicate with your ex then you may want to implement couples’ counseling or a mediator.
If it is your behavior that is making communication impossible between you and your ex-spouse then you need to take a deep look at why you are building up barriers. Hurt feelings and resentment can be hard to give up after a divorce, however, you are not only hurting your kids by harboring these feelings, but you are also hurting yourself. Forgiveness can be a great gift to give to yourself and your kids this holiday season, however, it is something that you may need help with.
If you are having serious conflicts with your ex-spouse in regards to how the parenting of your shared children is going, then visit the Clement Law blog. This blog covers a lot of topics related to family law and divorced families that you may find interesting.
First, I would like to comment on the word stress. If you think about where we live, earth… there is always stress because everything around us is in motion and changing, such as the earth revolving and the flowers growing. Stress is part of living.
Second, conflict and tension between two people come from the meaning that we put to events. To one person what another person says or does doesn’t cause an upset or reaction.
Suggestion: If you have an emotional reaction to something that your former spouse does, take a long breath, breathe into the feeling, don’t respond in the moment, calm down, then talk with the person and take your reaction on as your own.
“Because we have children we are going to have many years in being in each others presence and needing to communicate. I have been thinking that we need to stop the conflict and find another way of being with each other. I am going to work on not reactioning to what you say, take a few minutes to calm down inside, and then tell you how I am experiencing us at the time. I am asking you to listen and not react so that together we can focus on a solution instead of escalating a conflict. Are you open to the possibility of doing that?”
When you have the conversation: “I don’t know why, but when ….. happens, I get upset.” Would like to find another way of communicating about this issue.”
What other techniques have you tried that have worked for you? Please weigh in.