As Christmas approaches I like to think about the concept of forgiveness. As a divorced parent I know that there can be a lot of negative feelings and hostilities towards ex-spouses. These feelings are valid and need to be experienced in order to get over them. However, how long do you really need to hold on to these past pains?
In relationships where there was infidelity emotional pain can embed itself in your soul and keep you from being happy no matter how great your new relationships are. In my opinion this is not fair. However, the emotional pain that you hold on to is not only your ex’s fault. Your inability, or reluctance, to forgive your ex, is what is keeping you miserable. The act of forgiveness is not an act that is intended to validate the hurt that someone else caused you, nor is it a justification for allowing them to hurt you again. The act of forgiveness is an act that releases you from emotional punishment by saying, you hurt me, but I have grown and now I no longer need to hold on to the pain the experience caused me. Forgiveness is a liberation from your emotional shackles.
I recently had my own forgiveness epiphany. I had been harboring negative feelings about my ex-husband for nearly 10 years and the only person these negative feelings were punishing was myself. During his last visitation with my son I just decided to forgive him for all the hurt he caused me. In the exact moment that I allowed myself to forgive him, I felt as if a thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt, for the first time in over 10 years, free.
Before this year ends think about all the people in your life that you can forgive. Think about how letting go of your emotional baggage before the end of the year will allow you to help your young children of divorce cope and to help them adjust to any challengivng effects that they may be experiencing. This is the day that you take control of your life and that you begin improving your relationships with your children and begin building kids self esteem.
I am a big supporter of child-centered divorce. Thanks for sharing your excellent suggestions.Y My own experience more than a decade ago led to my writing a guidebook for parents on how to create a storybook with family photos and history as a successful way to have the tough break-the-news conversation. It’s called How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love!
Therapists, attorneys, mediators, educators and other professionals from around the U.S. and beyond have endorsed the book, attesting to the value of my fill-in-the-blanks, age-appropriate templates. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well. My goal is for divorcing couples to stop, talk and create a plan before having that crucial “divorce” talk with their children. I hope, for the sake of their kids, they will decide to move ahead in creating a child-centered divorce. For free articles, ezine and other valuable resources on this topic, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Best wishes,
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT