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Your Children and Divorce
With your help
They Can Thrive
Divorce brings on so many challenges, especially when you have children, whether they are infants, toddlers, school age or adults. I know, because after 27 years of marriage I found myself single.
During the divorce process I wrote my graduate school thesis on what other…. The Effects of Divorce on Adult Children. The research at that time did not exist. So I studied the effects on younger children and then interviewed adult children of divorce. To my surpise the affect was the same.
When my paper was returned to me, my professor commented, “Either people will think you are crazy or brilliant!” Why? Because the thesis designed a program to help parents to cooperatively co-parent their children. Would you believe that was back in 1993, not so long ago… and this was considered a new concept.
Well, now many people talk about how important it is for parents to be able to cooperatively co-parent, but few actually walk their talk. The purpose of this blog is to provide a place for you to give voice to practical ways to accomplished a positive coexistence with your former spouse and to help others do the same because when you are family to your children you always are family to each other.
Last week we talked about how global sociology impacts how a child fares after a divorce. This week I’d like to talk about how families in the U.S. are impacted by divorce and how we can overcome some of the negative pitfalls of divorce. This week’s blog has a goal to create public awareness of hope.
Money is perhaps the key pitfall to divorce, especially when there are children involved. Money is the root of all evil in a divorce. Not because people are overly greedy or that they are materialistic, but because money is what creates security in the modern world. Without it we cannot buy food, obtain shelter or afford medical care that our family needs to stay healthy or respond to injuries and illnesses. It is because of all these things that money brings out the worse in families getting divorced.
In order to overcome the nastiness and ugliness that fighting over money can produce between divorcing or divorced parents, both parties need to realize that the security of their family is what is at the root of the arguments. When parents realize this they can adjust their strategies for negotiating how assets are to be distributed inside their family unit. For example, instead of seeing child support as a punishment or a fine that has to be paid to a former spouse, the parent can view the money as a resource being provided to their children for their well being, security and development.
Changing your point of view about the utilization of money in a divorced family unit is the first step to becoming a happier, more functional family. Money is a resource that is to be used to enhance the well being of your family, regardless if you are married or divorced. Children and divorce are expensive and both require special allocations of money. Be generous with your family, they are a part of you.
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Divorce is a social phenomenon that encompasses the globe. However, its impact on the lives of children varies greatly depending on where in the world the child lives. This realization came to me after reading a blog posting on the Global Sociology Blog this week. I think it is a topic that deserves a little more discussion and thought.
In the United States over half the children are from divorced families. The impact caused by divorce on their lives is going to depend a great deal on their parents’ income, how well the parents are able to deal with the adjustments to their lifestyles and how dedicated they are to their children’s happiness and well-being. The impact on the child’s life is also going to relate to how divorce is viewed by their ethnic group and their peers. In most cases, the United States has a culture that accepts divorce and doesn’t stigmatize children of divorce, at least not as much as it once did. This, coupled with the availability of resources and support, children in this country are better able to cope with the changes and challenges of divorce then children from countries that are less privileged.
While it is easy to see that children in less privileged countries face more difficulties when their parents divorce, they are actually influenced by the same factors as kids in the U.S. These factors start with economics. Economic challenges are going to be a primary factor in determining how well a child of divorce from a third world nation is going to do after the divorce. Secondly, cultural factors are going to impact their success after a divorce. For example, if divorce is a social taboo then this can have a devastating impact on the child and their future. Furthermore, socially imposed sexual discrimination can limit a divorced mother’s ability to provide for her children.
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While the holiday season is upon us, celebrity divorces are still making headlines. One of the most notable celebrity divorces in the news now is the one between Madonna and Guy Ritchie. This divorce involves three children, two of which are shared by Madonna and Ritchie.
The current struggles are not really over money, but over where the couple’s two boys will be schooled, New York or London. Madonna has reportedly upped her settlement offer in an attempt to convince her soon to be ex-husband to allow the boys to be schooled in New York, where they will be with her and their sister. Ritchie, on the other hand, has passed up a 20 million pound settlement because he wants the boys to live and be educated in London.
While the current stand off between Madonna and Ritchie is heated, mostly by their anger towards each other, it is obvious that both want what is best for their kids. In the end, I sincerely hope that they are able to put their negative feelings aside and focus on an arrangement where the boys get to spend equal time with their mother and father.
If you are interested in learning more about the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie then read the blog posted on Yeeah. This blog discusses what stage the divorce is at, what is holding up the divorce and what reporters are saying about the couple. Browse through the other posts offered by this blog for more information on celebrity news.
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Today is Halloween, and it is a great time to spend with your kids. However, if you have teenagers or if your kids will be with their other parent tonight, then consider going to a Halloween party tonight. Halloween parties, especially costume parties, can be a great way to meet new people or to re-enter the world of dating. Your inhibitions will be lowered because everyone is in costume, so have fun to be a bit more daring than you normally would be.
Dating after you get divorced can be tricky. However, fun social events, like a Halloween party, can help you to test the waters without having to jump all the way into the water. If you are ready to start meeting new people then find a Halloween party that is being thrown by someone you know, or by an organization or club that you belong to. This will help ensure that the people at the party are people you will have something in common with.
When selecting your costume be creative, but try to select one that reflects who you are inside. For example, if you are naturally shy and timid a dominatrix costume is probably not your best option as it will attract people that are most likely not a good match for you. Next, select a costume that is comfortable. This will not only make your first venture into the world of dating and socialization bearable, but it will reduce your overall discomfort. Finally, select a costume that leaves most of your face exposed. This will make communicating easier to do and it will allow potential dates see the real you.
For more dating advice for the divorced visit the Dating-Advice blog. This blog talks about dating tips in general as well as dating tips for those of us who are divorced.
Posted in dating after divorce - general | 1 Comment »
At this time of year the days are getting shorter and so are our tempers. Because of this a lot of bad energy is floating out there and you don’t want to be hit by it. Last week we talked about a couple of ways in which you can minimize the battles within your divorced family. This week I’d like to continue talking about this topic and offer you a few more options.
First off all find an outlet for your family’s stress. Stress not only makes you feel bad, but it closes off your communication channels and decreases the efficiency of your immune system. Everyone in a family feels stress this time of year. As the leader of your family of divorce it is your job to identify when your family is stressing out and to find a way to release this stress. Some fun ways to reduce stress is to go for a family bike ride, to go hiking, or if there is snow, go cross country or downhill skiing. If your family likes board games have a game night. Or take a break from electronic entertainment and play card games. Generally do something that will make you laugh as a family.
Another way that you can minimize the conflicts within your family this fall is to learn what smart divorce resources are available. Churches, synagogues, community centers, schools and local mental health centers are all great resources for extra help for managing your stress and to learn how to be a closer more functional family. Other resources you can use include family and friends. Building a network of support for your family can be a great asset, especially during this time of year.
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